Just a while ago after a two minute screaming and biting (our sitter) episode (while I was in my home-office) my 3 year old toddler was playing as if nothing has happened. Unfortunately, she had woken her brother with all that screaming and I had to intervene.

Now, it was my turn for a tantrum. I told her that she shouldn’t yell. If she yells, I would go leave her outside and she could yell as much as she wanted. Not knowing where my outburst came from, she simply nodded okay. Then, I went on to say that if she came in with me and her brother (as I took him back to bed), I would be really mad. She nodded again and said okay.

So there you have it. It is not true that only toddlers have temper tantrums. Even their mamas and papas have them.

I was asked by someone once to tell her how to manage toddlers temper tantrums. I was tied in knots for days. What would I say? How do I manage my little one’s tantrums? What does my knowledge in psychology say about managing temper tantrums?

Truth is I don’t really “manage” temper tantrums. Sometimes, I also have it. And Parenting can be tough! I get worked up about bed-times, feeding times, bathing times, nap times.  There isn’t one thing that I don’t get worked up about. When I say worked up, I mean feel resistant about.

Here’s how my temper tantrum looks like. I get really upset about a person’s behavior (here, my little one’s), I take a deep breath and try to let it go. The ‘pushing it away’, and standing in the face of that behavior only builds up my frustration.

I yell. Yell. Yell (if it is with a child or a lesser-powerful-than-me person). If it is an adult that I perceive to be at the same ‘level’ as me then I play passive aggressive and fret, fret, fret, later with someone else.

My kid’s temper tantrum looks pretty much like this. She is upset, she tries to let people around her know in less explosive ways, and then she screams; screeches and cries.

I urge you however, to give me the benefit of doubt. I don’t always react this way. And yet, I don’t want to take away from the fact that, we have our temper tantrums too. That we get to a place where we just CANNOT tolerate certain behavior or an incident and we react chemically, instinctual and sometimes disruptively. It is only through constant practice and perseverance have I succeeded in not reacting this way all the time. As is the case with most of us adults, I’m sure.

So what is my answer to toddler’s temper tantrums? You will find zillions of websites telling you what to do, what not to do in the face of temper tantrums. Go there if you are looking for ways around it. Here, I am not going to TELL mamas and papas how to deal with their toddler’s temper tantrums.

Why? I strongly believe that a perspective shift is what is needed.

A way to think about our children, ourselves and our humanity. I refrain from giving one solution (or more) because honestly, they are all great solutions for the “right” time. I use rewards and punishments, I use attachment parenting, I use time-outs, I use everything in the book about “How to deal with your toddlers temper tantrums” but I use it with a certain attitude, a certain perspective and a certain practice. That is what I am going to tell you more about (not an exhaustive list but a good starting point into the discussion):

1. Practice Cultivating Loving Kindness

Loving kindness is made of a certain friendliness, understanding and respect. Loving kindness is the wish for the object of our love to be happy. Practicing loving kindness towards myself, I learn to develop an attitude of curiosity and friendliness to my difficult emotions. When I take a deep breath in face of frustration, I take a deep breath to move CLOSER to the emotion. When I take a deep breath, I do so to STEP away from the situation, so I can move closer to the emotion I am feeling. In practicing loving kindness with myself, I do so with the belief that the right response will come to me. I respect immensely the wisdom present within when I participate in showing myself, a little love. This is of course practiced in all its glory. I stumble, fall and correct myself. I scream, say sorry and come back to my centre – that of loving kindness, over and over again. When I do so, I am able to look at my children with the same friendliness, understanding and respect. Even when they are through the ugliest of tantrums.

2. Practice Cultivating Compassion

Compassion is the wish to help relieve suffering/unease. It is made up of understanding and equanimity (patience and acceptance). If I can cultivate compassion for myself, if I can imagine myself getting a hug (from me or someone who loves me), if I can deeply understand where I am coming from and sit with it, with patience and acceptance( breathing in to accept where I am, rather than push it away), then I am getting somewhere (Where? HERE, NOW). Then I am able to embrace my difficult moment and my toddlers too. If I am compassionate with myself, I can be so with my little ones too. And in being compassionate, I am able to use whatever technique I know to be “right” for this moment (or I try a few that are at hand and see what works) in order to quench the fire of a tantrum.

3. Practicing Trust

I trust that where I am is where I am meant to be. This minute. Right now. Guilt is lethal. Mamas often use guilt on themselves in enormous proportions. When we can use mindfulness (made up of cultivating loving kindness and compassion) we can reflect on the guilt that comes with our expectations of how we should be and shouldn’t, what our kids should do and shouldn’t.

4. Practice Diffusing Anger

When anger arises with my little one especially, I think about where she and I would be 5 years from now, 20 years from now or even 100 years from now. I really focus on this elaborately. This helps me diffuse anger instantly.

5. Practice Breathing

As I take pauses in my day, especially if it is a difficult one, I say to myself…breathing in, I see myself as a mountain, breathing out, I feel solid. This is a mindfulness meditation by Thich Nhat Hanh (A Vietnamese monk). To me, it helps me connect to the qualities of the mountain, my centre of gravity. My actual core in the body to remain present, without getting blown away.

Parenthood is not a perfect path. Life is not a perfect path. It is one filled with lessons in loving deeper, resisting lesser and embracing NOW. Trusting your wisdom in this path is what makes it that much more joyous.

Here are links to some amazing posts across the webs that really align with what I am saying here:

1. Your children don’t want you to be perfect by Hollie Holden.

2. Curiouser and Curiouser by Amanda Elithorn.

3. Of Toddlers and Tyrants: The Anatomy of Tantrums by Sarah.